10 Hollywood Diets (and others) You Want to Avoid

In truth all diets should be avoided. Eating balanced meals and exercising is truly the key to maintaining your target weight. But sometimes all of us look for shortcuts to shedding some pounds quickly. If this is the case, below is a list of diets (and exercising programs) that have lately become popular, yet everyone should especially avoid at all costs.

The Britney Spears Liquid Diet. You sleep until 3:30 P.M. then hit Starbucks. Then, after spending an afternoon singing unintelligible words and arguing with your mother on the telephone, you head to lunch at your local Seven-Eleven or Quick Trip where you drink a 64 oz. Big Gulp and smoke a pack of filter-less Lucky Stripe cigarettes. Go home, sleep until midnight then head out clubbing; where during the night, you eat nothing but pills and consume a Fifth of Vodka.

The George Bush Deal-A-Meal Diet. A blatant rip-off of the Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal Plan (Just as he ripped off his father's presidency), this program is ironically all fat and no lean. As soon as your scale's disapproval rating climbs, you offer it a tax cut to make it happy. Melt away the pounds by sweating it out for 2 hours each afternoon trying to pronounce the word "verisimilitude."

The Angelina Jolie Adopt-A-Kid Diet. This is an international diet with an assortment of cuisine from 3rd world countries. Follow all meals by carrying 4 culturally diverse children through your local airport.

The Local Nightly News Exercise Program. Watch your local nightly news and do a push-up every time they speak the phrase "found dead." Do a sit-up each time they say the word "reportedly." Do aerobics during any segment identifying any new product, food or household item that can kill you or give you cancer. Once you have passed the status of novice, write in for the expert "Nancy Grace" fitness plan.

The Gas Pump Diet. At these gas prices, every mile you drive, you will have less food to eat. Burn fat by swearing uncontrollably when you read the stock market page and see the immense profits the oil companies are making.

The American Idol Diet. Randy, Paula and Simon have contributed their vast talents in designing this special program. Everything you need is in this do-it-yourself home weight loss kit. Randy has contributed instructions and a diagram for performing self-gastro bypass surgery. Paula provides healthy recipes like "Straight Up Stew." And to fuel your motivation for losing weight, Simon Cowell provides, "1001 Insults to Make You Feel Bad About Your Appearance."

The Tom Cruise Diet. More of an exercise program than an eating plan, this diet consists of consuming a sensible meal followed by jumping up and down on your couch for 30 minutes. Burn extra calories by preaching on Scientology, insulting Brooke Shields and Matt Lauer then laughing hysterically and out of context.

The 90-Day Baseball Player South Beach Steroid Diet. Your regime begins when a stranger (according to you) with a fake PhD injects you with an unknown concoction of male-growth hormone and HGH. Spend the next 90 days exercising in futility at Spring training in South Beach and at Congressional hearings in Washington. Beware, side effects include breast development, shrinking testicles and loss of athletic shoe endorsements.

The Mad Cow Diet. This diet speaks for itself

The Hillary Clinton Diet. Feel yourself shed the pounds as each evening you listen to Hillary's 14 CD set explaining her National Health Care Plan. By the time you've finished listening, you not only have lost your appetite, there is no time left to eat your supper.