1. Oprah says Love in the Time of Cholera is Book Club pick: Tom Cruise jumps up and down on couch screaming Cholera should be healed naturally and without drugs; Brook Shields, take note.

2. Dr. Phil tells how Britney can get her kids back: The old-fashioned Texas way, which includes a come-hither to Kevin, tequilla and a trailor park.

3. QVC hostesses do spontaneous, funky on-air dance: Well, it's something at least, between Suzanne Somers visits.

4. Celine Dion cancels Vegas shows due to gastroenteritis: Season box seats owner, Tom Cruise, just can't catch a break.

5. Blender names Sting worst lyricist: This from the Shakespeare of aural literature review.

6. Whoopi Goldberg to quit smoking: Rosie O'Donnell blames Barbra Walters' hatred of Malboros.

7. Naked man breaks into Nic Cage's house: There goes nephew Nic, always chasing the coat tails of Uncle Francis' burgalaries.

8. Without confirming pregnancy, Christina sets up baby registry. And without confirming violence Kid Rock tosses stranger through plate glass window.

9. Pam Anderson weds Rick Salomon: Somewhere in Brittania, inventor of irony is rolling over in his grave.

10. Director Ang Lee "shy," "awkward:" Brokeback Mountain "light," "airy."