1. Crash won't stop Clooney from riding his motorcycle:" Also brags, having to chew his own food won't stop him from eating.

2. Die Hard director sentenced to prison: Insert your own "Yippee Kiyay" joke here.

3. Six of seven gay characters on network TV are on ABC: I didn't even know the Backstreet Boys had a TV show.

4. Mariah Carey says her secret to looking good is bleak diets: Joan Rivers says her secret is bleak botox.

5. Armani teaming with Samsung: Is this on pay-per-view or on regular Monday Night Smackdown?

6. No lesbian affair with Jan in Marcia Brady tell-all: That would have made the line reading, "Marcia, Marcia, Macia" completely different.

7. Phil Spector jury requests a VCR: High-Def DVDs of Phil were just too painful to watch.

8. Scary Spice "terrorizes" her family "with kisses:" Conversely Baby Spice "frightens" her family with "bed wetting."

9. Actor playing "Dancing Russian Soldier" spills Indy 4 plot: Speilberg immediately unleases spirits of the Ark of Covenant to skeletonize him.

10. VH1 introduces celebrity-rehab reality show: Lindsay Lohan finally gets airplay again.